Expectations

 I have had really contemplate and re-evaluate my expectations of myself, my kung fu and how these two things are related.

I have been on this kung fu journey working towards mastery and becoming a black belt for over a decade now.  Ever since I have seriously contemplated becoming a black belt, I developed an image and concept of what I thought it meant to be a black belt and all then expectations that came with my conceived idea.  Now this is obviously good to work towards something, however, unrealistic expectations have derailed me time and time again.  

Despite everything I know and preach and blog about, I once again let my ego and my expectations of "future black belt mike" take over my slow yet mindful progression. I pushed myself and my training for a month before the tiger challenge.  I felt I definitely made progress, however, about a week prior to the tournament, I started have increased back pain and decreased strength and balance.  This is the telltale I should have seen. This combination creates a whole host of other issues but primarily a loss of accuracy, control and the ability to keep myself safe from injury.  The night prior, my focus and priority became the tiger challenge.  I lost sight of what is important in my journey. I made a decision that ultimately resulted in an injury to my right shoulder which in turn exacerbated my back injury.  My ego had taken over to the point where both my training partner and my son questioned my decision, but I was determined.

Now it is about three weeks later and I have had several Chiropractic, physio and massage therapy sessions, missed several days of work and classes.  Needless to say, this has not served me nor my journey towards mastery.  

When I reflect on the tiger challenge, I recall going through several emotions and feelings during the tournament. I was frustrated.  Frustrated I let myself get injured and ultimately didn't perform how I wanted to. Frustrated my kicks, stances and forms did not look like my classmates. I was envious. Envious of how my classmates kicks, stances and forms looked amazing. It then dawned on me.  Why am I comparing myself to others?  It is unrealistic that my kicks, stances and forms are going to look like my classmates. As I sat there observing some the events that I had to back out of, it really hit me that I needed to take stock and re-evaluate my expectations. My frustration and envy gave way to excitement, gratitude and understanding.  I was excited for my classmates and grateful I have the opportunity to know them personally and get to train with them.  For the first time in a while, I feel like I have a better understanding of where I am and where I need to go. I understand I am on my own journey and I cannot compare apples to oranges, but I also understand that I need to continue to push myself in a safe and sustainable to ensure my training and kung fu are serving me (thank you to Sifu Brinker for some much needed "enlightenment").

As always, thanks for reading.

Mike